I realize when reading the varying topics of my blogs people will think I have a split personality disorder or something (god forbid) because I literally go from one thing to the other :) and two topics in one day can be so different. I do apologize for this, however, whenever I feel the need to type I just have to put hands to keyboard and off I go :)
Tonight I was reading a few articles about depression and Mental Health, Anxiety etc and I got to thinking what does it all mean to me? What is my explanation for it? To be honest I have yet to completely understand it. All I know is that it is something that unfortunately rears it's ugly head every now and then and it's like that horrible mouth ulcer on the side of your tongue that comes so unexpectedly. No matter how much Bonjela you put on it, or Listerine, or salt and water mouth rinse. It's still there.
Depression is like this, it comes at random, it hurts, no matter how many songs you listen to, chocolate you eat or chick flicks you watch. It just hangs over you and pulls you down deeper and deeper. You could be finished an exam and got the highest mark in the class or even the lowest and still feel this numbness. You could be told you look a million dollars in that new top or skirt, makes no difference to you. I used to think it was just PMS, or being a teenager, but I've been out of my teenage years for two odd years now and it's still there. I was told by one doctor it was just circumstantial, because of the way the country was with recession and this, that and the other. But deep down I knew, no it's not that. I knew there was something there that got me down and I couldn't control it. No matter how great a job I ever got or will get, or how great a life I lead (which I am thankful for) or what great friends, family and new Fiance I have, this 'thing' will always come back to keep me down at times.
Personally, I find that it comes so unexpectedly. One time it got so bad I just took to writing in a diary I had when I was 15 and I just balled my eyes out lol. I felt better afterwards but to this day I don't even know what it was that caused it? I literally have no idea. Does it affect my life? Yes, it does. I find it hard at times to even be in people's company. Strange and all as that sounds, what I mean is, that I will find myself comparing myself to them and how they have a better this, that or the other and it really gets me down. I will then come back to myself eventually and hate myself for even thinking like that in the first place! I even used to compare myself to other people that suffered from depression and felt that if they were suffering so badly, surely mine wasn't as bad and there has to be something else wrong with me. But no, depression and anxiety is exactly what I suffer from and it comes to people in different forms and strengths. Luckily I was able to acknowledge the fact and seek help before it got to a worse stage. I visited Jigsaw in Galway for a couple of sessions to build myself back up and it was one of the best things I have ever done.
Fortunately the stigma surrounding Mental Health in Ireland is lifting, it is too late for some but hopefully it can help others. Like Bressie speaking out and many other celebrities, I too feel that if we share our stories and listen to others, we can help to spread the fact that it is not making you a freak or a coward. Quite the opposite in fact. It is one of the bravest things you can ever do, walking in to a doctors office or Help centre and asking for help.
Just remember, you're not alone!
Bit of an odd blog, but I hope you will share your stories and feel free to ask me for any help or guidance that is in my power to give.
Thank you for reading,
Sandy.S
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